as long as it's green

So it turns out back in 2009 I had this idea to write a story about war, from the perspective of a pencil that the soldiers use to write love letters home to their wives. There is more to it somewhere but this is the first part that I wrote in my drafts over 2 years ago. I have no idea what to do with it, so I will get it out of here.

“My dearest Rose,

Not a day goes by out here that I am not thinking happier thoughts of home beside you. I fear that even with your picture in my breast pocket, I will start to forget the beauty of your eyes. I cannot sleep - in part because my arms lay empty at my sides without you to hold, but also because the shocks and booms afar grow nearer every night. As I write you this letter, the lamp at my bedside shivers and dims. A fitting metaphor of my own life these days. My promise to you, dear, remains at the forefront of my mind always. Until

…

I wish I had arms big enough to hold all the loves I’ll never find. Abandoned again. Will I ever know the satisfaction of finishing a thought? Will I ever travel home with the words I write to her? I lay motionless without your motivation. And you are gone. Will I ever speak again? I can’t do this alone, please come back. 

(Source: chillynds)

I like to (over)think about things. 

This morning, I was on my way to Mark’s house to go to his graduation.

As I’m driving down 895, I see a yellow VW Beetle. Immediately I am turned off, as I dislike both the color and model. And as with anything, I had to look at it more to let my hatred fester and grow inside me. I fix my gaze upon the license plate. It says “LADY BLG”. My first thought is simply, “oh, she must mean lady bug”. But where do you get off thinking an “L” looks like a “U”?  

Then I cringe and remember the car isn’t even red, black, polka dot, or any combination thereof.

Then, I am abruptly reminiscing about Queen Latifah in the movie The Dilemma, talking about her lady wood. Why? Why did this suddenly pop into my mind? Maybe it’s because your license plate says LADY BULGE, you dumbass. Enjoy advertising your cameltoe throughout Southeast Baltimore.

“Just as the tree which falls in the forest while no one is around, does a man who causes no change in the universe really exist? Or is he just matter, taking up space and conceding to higher powers which pay no mind to his presence?”

“Without the impact of the soul on the individual, the individual can have no impact on the world.”

“To what extent can man persuade the universe to make his presence known? And, conversely, to what extent can the universe persuade man to feel insignificant? Unfortunately for man, all too often the universe leaves this battle victorious, and man simply sheds his existence and becomes a “thing”.”

How force makes a thing of man. Deep stuff apparently.

I’m realizing more and more how unflattering it is when people complain all the time. I used to be one of those people, always feeling like I have to be cynical and afraid of showing that I actually enjoy anything. Unfortunately it had a lot to do with the people I chose to be around, so I didn’t even notice how stupid I was being. What is the point in complaining about everything? You’re not doing anything to change it and you’re certainly not brave enough to tell people to their faces how much you’re annoyed by them, so really, you’re just wasting your breath. Life is so much better when you focus on the awesome parts, and let yourself be proud and relieved when you get through the parts that aren’t so awesome. It’s funny how I’ve learned to just laugh and go along with the people who are talking shit about everything and everyone. I do it to be polite (and because I’m a wimp who avoids confrontation at all costs)…does everyone else do this? Or do most people speak up and give these “woe-is-me” types a reality check? I really don’t know… what I do know is that I am going to continue to try my best not to be one of them anymore. Life is too short to spend it like you’ve got a full diaper. Shut up and smile.

It’s 1:00AM and I have a pounding headache. It’s been growing stronger all day, but I refused to take anything for it, and I’m still now on the computer when I could be in bed sleeping it off. It’s like I look forward to the pain until I’m in the middle of it, and then I realize how stupid I was. I have always been this way. I don’t know what it means. I think somehow I expect that people will feel bad for me if I’m really in pain, but once I get there, I don’t want to tell anyone about it anyway, so I never even get the pity I’ve been trying so hard for. “Don’t be stupid.” I should listen when I tell myself this, but I can’t, because I’m stupid and I don’t listen. I tell myself I deserve it, but that’s not why I want the things I want. If only life were that simple, that we all get what we deserve. What a brilliant fucking life that would be.

A couple of random thoughts from today:

1. I had a dream last night about the first time Jesus realized he could walk on water. I was not present in the dream to the best of my knowledge… it was more like watching a movie. And it was a comedy.

2. Whenever I see pictures of people posing with animals, I like to imagine another one of those animals actually taking the picture. Like, one of my friends set their facebook pic to her with a dolphin… it’s pretty cool but it becomes ten times more awesome if you think about the dolphin’s friend taking the picture instead of the girl’s friend. 

OK that’s it, I’m now going to play Portal 2 until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. Unfortunately I’m already exhausted :(